Review – Gloworm Drinks
When Red Bull launched three new flavours (cranberry, lime and blueberry), it begged the seemingly unanswerable question of what on earth the regular stuff is supposed to taste of. Other than “awful things” that is. Many supposedly inferior impersonators have suffered similar problems; they might give you wings, but your tongue won’t thank you for it. And so it is no surprise that in a market dominated by marketing-savvy leader, making an energy drink that tastes good is the new competitive angle. Gloworm claim to provide a “stimulating alternative to the usual suspects that enhances taste” and “lifts mixing to the next level.” Apparently they are going to achieve such lofty ambitions by offering 30% less caffeine than the market leader and by creating a range of products designed to “complement the sophisticated flavours and subtle ingredients of select spirits”. Using “flavours” (i.e. no natural juices) and sucralose, of course.
Raspberry and Orris (mix with Vodka)
A pleasing waft of raspberry greets the nose to offer a promising start but is in fact merely setting you up for a disappointment, for the palate is utterly ruined by the devastating effect of artificial sweetener which only serves to highlight the ‘made-in-a-lab’ raspberry flavour. There’s no discernible orris to speak of and the addition of vodka serves only to highlight the superficiality of the flavours.
Pear, Spice and Lime (mix with Rum)
You’d think they’d make just a little effort to create a drink that tastes of one of these flavours at least. Perhaps they did, but missed the mark miserably. There is a hint of pear, but it’s not enough to make up for the fact that adding rum to this liquid just results in fizzy, sucralose-laden rum, and that’s not how I like my rum.
Cucumber and Apple (mix with Gin)
At last we have a variety with promise. There is a discernible cucumber aroma, and it even manages to sneak through onto the palate. Less so the apple and adding gin is plain weird.
Ginger and Lemongrass (mix with Bourbon)
Like the worst ginger ale you’ve tasted, and not even a hint of lemongrass to make up for it. Having to add bourbon to this to ensure a thorough review is enough to bring a tear to my eye and unsurprisingly, the result isn’t pretty.
Glowowm drinks are a spectacular failure. What promises to be a great-tasting and mixable alternative to other energy drinks turns out to be an artificial-tasting and unmixable mess. To be avoided.
★: Terrible, only drink for a dare.
★★: Meh, not undrinkable but best left alone.
★★★: Reasonable, middle of the road.
★★★★: Tasty stuff, well worth seeking out.
★★★★★: Incredible, booze doesn’t get better than this. You need a bottle in your life.